Keys to 27 years of marriage

My husband and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. Even now I find it hard to believe that we have spent more of our lives together than apart. The time has gone by so fast. It seems like we were married only a month or two ago, but six growing children tell us it was a bit longer ago than that.

I don’t profess to be a marriage expert by any means but I have noticed some patterns in successful marriages. When these patterns are strong, the marriage is—but when these patterns are weak, the marriage seems to struggle.

Make love often. What sets marriage apart from all other relationships? It’s making love. Don’t believe me? Let me lay it out for you, then.

Before marriage you can spend as much time together as you want. You can worship together all you want. You can attend the temple together all you want. You can serve others, study the scriptures, pray together, eat together, work together, shop together, play together, make major purchases together…even live together under the same roof. (Ever travel and spend time together at the future-in-laws home before marriage?)

The only thing the Lord asks us to reserve for after marriage is our sexual relationship. That is the foundation that sets marriage apart from all other relationships, whether that marriage produces children or not.

And if that is the foundation the Lord has given marriage, then it is up to us to make sure that it becomes a strong and secure foundation. We do that by making love often...not just when we want to but just as importantly when our partner wants to and needs to, too.

Swallow criticism. Years ago a female relative told me “I think you are wasting your life by staying home to raise your child. You should be going to school and pursuing a career.” I was too stunned to respond but later, that night, I wept over her words. I wanted to lash out at her, chew her out, be as sharp and vicious with her as she had been to me. I couldn't undersand how could she be so mean and critical!

Even after 23 years I have never forgotten her words--but they no longer upset me because I also have never forgotten my husband’s response. He said, “Terri, It is hard for some people to understand why a person as smart as you would choose to stay home and not pursue a career. It was her way of telling you she sees your intelligence and potential and thinks you should be using it.”

His words soothed me but, more importantly, they made me think. If this relative had approached me and said it the way my husband had, she would have made her point without hurting my feelings. In fact, she would have made me grateful she shared her observation with me.

I learned from that experience there is always a way to express a feeling, hope, concern, thought, even a disappointment, without hurting the other person. Swallow criticism and find a kinder way to express yourself.

Laugh often. One day my husband and I were having a difference of opinions yet we were still laughing together. My son, home from his mission, was sitting between us at the kitchen table. As we resolved our differences and joined together in a final burst of laughter I told our son, “I really hope you can marry a woman you can laugh with even when you are in the middle of disagreeing.”

Laughter will bring brightness to heavy situations. Laugh when the work is hard and tiring and when emotions are tense. Laugh when you want to grumble. Laugh when you want to quit. Laugh when you want to blow up. Laugh together in the car, in the kitchen, and especially in the bedroom.

But never, ever laugh at the other person. I tell my children all the time, ‘it’s only funny if everyone is laughing.’ If even one person is not laughing, then the comment or joke was inappropriate no matter how funny you may think it is. Learn to find humor that everyone can enjoy.

Focus on the Lord. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to focus on the Lord, make sure you do.

When you feel hurt or angry, misunderstood or underappreciated, focus on the Lord. When you don’t like your spouse very much and you are wondering if you should call it quits, stop focusing on their failures. Focus on the Lord instead. Keep the promises you made to Him to honor your marriage. Focus on what He would want you to do, and say. Focus on becoming the best husband or wife you can possible be and trust that the Lord knows what your spouse needs more than you do. Stay focused on Him and follow His promptings.

When you stay focused on the Lord, you will improve as a person and as a spouse…and that will, with time, improve your marriage. As you focus on the Lord you will find you will criticize less, laugh more and make love more often.

When marriage hurts

Years ago, during a difficult time in her marriage, my niece called me. As we talked she asked if I ever had second thoughts about my marriage. I answered her with complete candor. “If I had known then what I know now I never would have dated him, let alone married him!”

My answer stunned her and she asked, “then why do you stay married to him?”

“Because,” I responded, “if I could know now what he will be like ten, twenty or thirty years in the future I may find myself saying I never would have wanted to marry anyone else.”

So often we get so caught up in the immediate world around us, tinted and splattered with dirt from the past that we have a hard time looking forward toward the beautiful colors awaiting us on the horizon…and that includes the beauty of marriage.

All of my children know one of the most important decisions they will make is who to marry. But I have also told my children that is just the easy, first decision. Each one of them, at some point after their marriage, will have to seriously decide whether or not to stay married.

It’s a test that all marriages must face it.

Some marriages and spouses will have to answer this question only once. Others seem to have to answer it on an almost daily basis.

The test, I tell them, isn't about whether or not they can get married. Any two people can do that. The real test is about deciding to stay married when things go bad...especially if they go really bad. When the immediate world around them gets dirty, when the mud from past decisions seems to cover their entire view, will they keep their eye on the horizon? Most importantly, when it’s hard to want to keep their promise to their spouse, will they keep their promise to the Lord?

There will be times when all of us will be disappointed by our chosen partner—deeply hurt, let down, offended or even ashamed. That is part of marriage. It is learning to deal with the deepest emotions of every kind, the good and the bad, when our hearts are so closely tied to the outcome.

There may be times—even long periods of time—when we don’t respect our spouse, don’t love our spouse, don’t even like our spouse. What then?

I love Proverbs 31, but verse 26 is especially poignant when marriages are struggling. “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

It doesn’t matter how someone is treating us. What matters is how we treat them. When we are hurt, let us try to respond with kindness. When we are disappointed, let us try to announce our appreciation. When we are let down, let us find ways to give sincere compliments.

“Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm…even so the tongue is a little member and boasteth great things.” (James 3:4-5)

When the words and actions of our spouses seem fierce, unforgiving, even harsh; when we feel the storm is too great to pass through, let us remember to find tiny ways to verbally express our love and appreciation to our spouses. And let us share with others, and the Lord, the things we appreciate and admire about our eternal companions.

The power of kind, gentle and soothing words is immeasurable...and we may find it can eventually turn even the largest, most storm-locked ships.

Remember, Christ also used words when he calmed the raging seas. And what did he speak?

“Peace.”

You married who??!!!

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How well I remember the phone call my husband received. His sister called to tell him the big news: she was engaged.

She then enthusiastically told him of every quality her future husband possessed. My husband hardly spoke at all.

After the phone call I asked my sweetheart, “So, how is he?”

“Apparently perfect.”

Smiling with knowledge I said, “Ask her if she still thinks he’s perfect 20 years from now.”

We both laughed over that one.

It has been said we should enter marriage with our eyes wide open and after marriage keep them half shut.

All too often the opposite happens. Because of giddy romance we don’t see clearly before marriage and after marriage our eyes fly open wide—in horror! We can’t believe we married that!!

Well, prior to my marriage I vowed I would find the perfect husband. I spent hours of teenage time creating lists of attributes he would have to have for me to love him for eternity. My list varied over time but the first five qualities were always the same: tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, love spaghetti, want to live in Arizona.

So, how did I do?

We live in Montana and I also struck out on the tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed pseudo Italian part. In fact, I can safely say that spaghetti is far down on his list of favorite meals.

But you know what? He eats it anyway! And there are times, when things are hectic at home, he actually suggests it for dinner--and even helps me make it! How can you not love a man like that? What I originally thought was a ‘weakness’ has endeared him to me more than if he loved spaghetti!

"I will make weak things become strong unto them," promised the Lord. (Ether 12:27)

We don’t need perfect spouses. (In fact, none of us have them.) But marriage isn’t about marrying perfect, it is about becoming perfect.

We must make the choice to keep our eyes wide open after marriage—in appreciation. We can and should see the sacrifices and small gestures of devotion that surround us…both spoken and unspoken. And then we should verbally express gratitude for them.

A friend and college professor said something very wise. “I find that when I remember to praise my students and point out their gifts and make assignments clear, their work improves as they try to meet that standard. Criticism never seems to bring improvement, although it is easier to give and seems so necessary. It also crushes the spirit.”

He is so right. Good feelings escalate and enlarge. Criticism defeats and deflates their spirit…not just in the classroom but in life.

Mostly, though, criticism crushes us.

“He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil and have that which is evil restored unto you.” (Helaman 14:31)

When we do something good for our spouses--when we praise them and point out their special gifts--our marriage improves, positive feelings and works escalate, and the Spirit returns.

It’s a promise and eternal principle from God--

“For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored.” Alma 41:15
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