My Bucket List...sort of

The other day my oldest daughter asked me what was on my “Bucket List.” I told her nothing. She didn’t believe me.

“Don’t you have anything you want to do or see before you die?”

“No, not really. I’m perfectly content to be living just like I am. I don’t need to see or do anything else to be happy.”

She still wasn’t sure she could accept that. After all, having and completing a “Bucket List’ is the popular thing to do in today’s society. Well, today the thought came to me that I don’t have an earthly “Bucket List” but, in the next life there are some things I want to see and do.

I want to stand in front of Jesus Christ and have Him be pleased with my efforts. I want to express my appreciation for His sacrifice and my deep and abiding sorrow for the burden my sins and weaknesses added to Him.

I want to personally go up to the Prophet Joseph Smith and express my gratitude, appreciation and admiration for all he endured on my behalf.

I would love to sit down in a meeting with Brigham Young and listen to that man speak, and learn from him. I would thank him and tell him my great love for Church history came, in part, because I studied his words.

I want to meet Captain Moroni--a man I have long admired for his courage, intelligence and compassion. I would thank him for the way he has inspired me and so many others.

I think it would be great to walk into a reunion of the stripling warriors, feel of their commitment and courage, and visit with their leader, Helaman. I would want to thank them for their willingness to step in and risk everything.

I would love to find out what made Teancum tick. He was so bold.

And who wouldn’t want to meet such a great and forgiving man as Pahoran and tell him how touched they were by his words to Captain Moroni?

Nephi is another man I would love to meet—Nephi and his brother, Sam. We read so little about Sam but Nephi obviously loved him deeply. I want to tell Sam and Nephi that I admired their brotherly relationship—that the quietness of the record actually spoke strongly to me and I appreciate their example.

Same with the Prophet and his all his brothers; including Alvin. We know so little about Alvin except that he had great faith in his younger brother and I want to express appreciation for that example of confidence.

From more modern times I would love to meet General Robert E. Lee. He was one of the greatest men in U.S. history and did so much good for our nation yet he is too often misunderstood. I would like to tell him I have so admired him and appreciated his sacrifices.

I would love to meet the angel who physically reached through the veil and saved my life on my mission. All I saw were his hands but I want to know who those hands belonged to and what personal connection he had to me. I want to thank him.

I want to see my grandmother and grandfather together. My grandfather died when I was an infant. During the next 40 years my grandmother never stopped loving him or missing him. I imagine they are very happy to be together now. That is what I imagine a happy marriage is like and I want to thank them for the image they have painted for me.

I also never met my husband’s grandparents but I would like to. The last act of his maternal grandfather in this life was to share a prayer with his wife as they served a mission together. After the prayer he told his wife he loved her, kissed her gently and collapsed to the floor from a sudden heart attack. Two years later she called her children together, told them their father had come to her and said he was coming to bring her home in two days. She told her children she loved them, gave them final words of love, advice and testimony and died two days later. What a great example they were to their children and their grandchildren and I want to thank them for that example and the way it has influenced my marriage.

And there are other people I would love to meet, others I would love to thank for influences they had on me that they didn’t even know. Still there are others I want to ask forgiveness from.

So, I guess I do have a list of things I would love to see and do, but they are more sacred and personal than visiting a foreign city or trying some extreme sport. .

A friend of mine, who is active in another religion, e-mailed me to ask my opinion on the Church’s endorsement of the Boy Scouts of America ruling to allow homosexuals into the organization. She also wanted to know how I felt about the Church’s stand and whether or not the Church ordained homosexuals to the priesthood. Here is my response…

As for your questions about the Church and homosexuals, the Church has long been concerned about homosexuals and have spoken out on their behalf. I remember almost 30 years ago reading a tremendous talk by Boyd K. Packer, one of the 12 Apostles of the Church, wherein he spoke with kindness and concern to those in the Church struggling with same-gender attraction. It was a talk ahead of its time.

Do not mistake the Church’s love and concern for homosexuals as approval for their lifestyle because that is not the case. I, the Church’s leaders, and the main body of Church members, see those struggling with same-gender attraction as beloved sons and daughters of God and our spiritual brothers and sisters who need love and not rejection. We teach and truly believe that God’s love and Christ’s example charges each of us to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another.

As for the act itself, the Church has said their “doctrinal position is clear. Sexual activity should only occur between a man and a woman who are married. However, that should never be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality but never cruel. His interest was always to life the individual, never to tear down.”

In the political arena, the Church is strongly opposed to same-sex marriage, but it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment.

Within the Church, we have always recognized that attraction to the same sex is not inherently sinful, but engaging in homosexual behavior is. That is the difference. Acting out on those desires is in conflict with God’s commandments (based on scripture) that sexual relationships are to be reserved for those who are married and marriage is between a man and a woman.

HOMOSEXUALS AND THE PRIESTHOOD. Do we ordain homosexuals to the priesthood? I guess that depends on how you define homosexual. Those in the Church who are attracted to someone of the same sex but stay faithful to the Church’s teachings of chastity and morality are allowed to take part in services and serve within the Church. They can—and do—enjoy full fellowship with other Church members, including attending and serving in temples, and ultimately receive all the blessings afforded to those who live the commandments of God. It is when they fall and break the commandments that they lose blessings. We don’t withhold opportunities and blessings based on what ‘could’ happen. If that was the case, none of us would be worthy to partake of spiritual blessings for all of us are susceptible to sin.

Obviously, no matter what I or the Church say, some will disagree but, as the Church states, “we hope that any disagreement will be based on a full understanding of our position and not on distortion or selective interpretation.”

BOYSCOUTS: As for their view on the new BSA ruling, the Church said, “Young men…who agree to abide by Church standards (are) welcomed warmly and encouraged to participate. This policy applies to Church-sponsored Scout units. Sexual orientation has not previously been—and it is not now—a disqualifying factor for boys who want to join Latter-day Saint Scout troops. Willingness to abide by standards of behavior continues to be our compelling interest.

“These standards are outlined in the booklet For the Strength of Youth and includes abstinence from sexual relationships. We remain firmly committed to upholding these standards and protecting and strengthening boys and young men.

“The Church appreciates BSA’s reaffirmation of its commitment to “duty to God,” which includes service to others and moral behavior….As in the past, the Church will work with BSA to harmonize what Scouting has to offer with the varying needs of our young men. We trust that BSA will implement and administer the approved policy in an appropriate and effective manner.”

So, to sum up, I agree with the Church’s stand that, “Few topics are as emotionally charged or require more sensitivity than same-sex attraction. This complex matter touches on the things we care about most….The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all of God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.”

While I can, and do, deeply love those around me who struggle with same gender attraction I don’t approve of acting on those desires and committing homosexual acts. I also do not condone hatred, bigotry or discrimination against them or anyone else who looks, acts, believes or sounds differently than I do. All of us have thorns in the flesh and crosses to bear. The sin is in breaking the commandments of God, not in wrestling with the weaknesses of the flesh and bearing our personal burdens in life well, walking in harmony with the Lord’s teachings despite the many pulls on us. Those who do walk uprightly in the Lord’s path deserve my respect. Would that I could bear my crosses as well as so many others do.

The Church has a tremendous Web site, if you're interested.

Well, I’m off to make banana nut muffins now and—hopefully—have a barbecue. We’ll see what the clouds are threatening to do!

Ye are the salt of the earth--so why not sugar?

Christ teaches, “Ye are the salt of the earth” and he tells us “Have salt in yourselves” (see Matt. 5:13 and Mark 9:50). Yet most of the earth craves sugar. In America each individual consumes an average of 156 pounds of sugar per year and we eat less than two pounds of salt every year. That's a big difference.

Crystallized, granulated sugar was around at least 800 years before Christ so the Savior definitely knew about the sweet commodity, yet he told us to be like salt, not sugar. Why, especially when sugar can taste so...sweet?

Anciently, salt was used to preserve food and keep it from spoiling. It was used at every temple sacrifice to preserve the sacrifice from corruption, to symbolize divine protection from corruption, and to give enhancement to the flavor and smell of the sacrifice. In fact, so essential was it to the sacrificial ordinances that salt became the symbol of covenants (Lev. 2:13, Numbers 18:19 and 2 Chron. 13:5).

It was used to greet each newborn child, being rubbed onto their bodies to tighten and protect the skin.

Salt also became the symbol of fidelity. In fact salt, untarnished by worldly contaminants, last indefinitely.

For all those reasons, we can see why Christ would have asked us to be the salt of the earth.

Yet, there are some other reasons we may not readily know.

Salt is a natural mineral while sugar is not. Salt is necessary for life. Sugar is not.

To become sugar a natural source such as sugarcane or sugarbeets, must be cooked and processed and boiled into a syrup to which lime is added. As the sugar crystallizes in the syrup, it is skimmed off, dried and even bleached with sulphur dioxide to produce a false white color.

In fact, sugar looks so similar to salt that, for the untrained eye, it is difficult to visually tell the difference. In many ways, salt and sugar are like wheat and tares.

One way to tell the difference, though, is that sugar dissolves easily in water and salt does not. Try this experiment. Add 1/3 c. of water to two clear glasses. Into one glass add two teaspoons of sugar. To the other glass add two teaspoons of salt. Stir them both equally. You will see that the salt does not readily dissolve in the water and will color the water white. Sugar, on the other hand, melts easily in the water and quickly disappears from view. This resistance to dissolving is one reason things float easier on salty water than on sugary water.

In life, Christ does not want us to melt easily in the influence of the world. When life stirs us up, he wants us to remain separate—white and pure, able to influence those around us rather than being influenced by the world and quickly melting away from view.

Another interesting truth about sugar is that it becomes sticky, whereas salt does not. The hydrogen molecules in sugar bond to other molecules and form a weak glue. Once you get sugar on your hands all sorts of things seem to stick to you...hair, dirt, etc. And that stickiness spreads. Touch something after handling sugar and it gets sticky, too. Then that object also begins to attract dirt and grime. Spill something sweet and it takes great effort to clean it up and remove all traces of stickiness.

Salt, on the other hand, actually cleans away dirt and grime.

But for me, one of the greatest reasons Christ may have asked us to be like salt is that fact that salt crystals are always the same. In fact, so consistent are salt crystals that you can actually mix sugar and salt together and still separate them based on sight alone.

Look at salt granules up close (if you have a magnifying glass that is even better). Salt always forms perfect, uniform cubes--like tiny boxes. Sugar, on the other hand, forms all sorts of different shapes and sizes from small to large, to rectangular to fractured.

Christ wants us to be consistent throughout our lives: to be true to our covenants and not fractured or of random conformity like sugar. Like the straight, clean sides on a cube of salt, the Savior wants us to be straight and honest in all that we do and live a clean and consistent life so that, no matter what side is viewed, we still project the same true character…that people can pick us out from the worldly sugar crystals around us.

Do you smell popcorn or soy sauce?

This morning, within about three minutes, child number four walked into the kitchen and said, "It smells like kettle corn."

A minute later, child 6 walked in and said, "It smells like raw meat."

Then came child number 3 who said, "I smell burned popcorn."

Child number 5 came in and said, "What smells like caramel sauce?"

Standing at the kitchen sink I smiled at how differently their noses worked. Then I just had to announce my own thoughts, "Well, I smell soy sauce."

Who was right? All of us. I made caramel corn for church this morning and burned some of the kernels. I also was in the process of making a soy sauce-based marinade for the meat we would be having for dinner.

It made me think, again, how all of us notice different things in life. Just because one smells popcorn and another smells soy sauce at the same time doesn't mean the other person is wrong. We're just wired different and pick up on different things.

In life, two people can see the same incident and each notice very different things. One may notice someone's grief, another may notice someone's need, while another may key in on someone's ability.

I love what we can learn from Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

"For the body is not one member, but many.

If the foot shal say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

"And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body is it therefore not of the body?"

These verses tells us we should not voice our own self-doubt and think we are not important because we can't do things others can!

Paul goes on to elaborate more when he says, "And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee; nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you."

We are also not to fall into the trap of self-importance and undervalue the help and abilities of others.

"But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body as it hath pleased him....that there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another."

Family members all have different abilities they bring to the home and each of those different abilities is, in its own way, a gift. And each gift would be missed if it was lost.

Think God asks for too much time?

If you have teenagers, you've heard the complaint before--Church takes too much time!

So I got calculating. This is what I discovered.

There are 168 hours in a week. The Lord asks that we spend 3 of those hours in church. That gives us 165 hours left. By the end of the year, if we haven't missed a single Sunday, we will have given Him only 156 hours out of 8,760. That's just 6 days a year to the Lord!

During the years we go to seminary and Church, the amount of time the Lord asks us to give Him each week is 8. That totals 416 hours a year, or 17 days annually.

Now, if we attend seminary faithfully and go to Church every Sunday, by the time we are 19 years old, we will have given the Lord a 19-year-total of just 166 days—not even half a year! To give Him just 730 more days to serve a mission seems like a very small price to pay…especially when we truly look at how short that time is over an 80-year life.

By the time we come home from a full-time mission at the age of 21, we will have given the Lord a total of 896 days out of 7,665 days, or just two years and five months. Not bad.

What about life after a mission?

Well, if we go to Church every Sunday for the rest of our life and do nothing else, at the end of those 80 years or 29,200 days--we will have given the Lord a total of 1,256 days or less than one more additional year. That comes to a grand, life-time total of three years and 5 months—and that’s after serving a full-time, two-year mission!

(166 days before a mission +730 days during a mission +360 days after a mission [6 days a year x 60 years=360 days] = 1,256 days total)

If we serve in extra callings during the remainder of those 80 years and give up an average of 5 hours each week in addition to the 3 we spend each week in Church, our total sacrifice will rise to 1,976 days or 5 years and 3 months of 'full-time', faithful service!

(166 days before a mission +730 days during a mission +1,020 days after a mission [17 days a year x 60 years=1,080 days] = 1,916 days total)

Five years to serve God and return Home with honor?

He really doesn’t ask us for very much of our time, does He?

Keys to 27 years of marriage

My husband and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. Even now I find it hard to believe that we have spent more of our lives together than apart. The time has gone by so fast. It seems like we were married only a month or two ago, but six growing children tell us it was a bit longer ago than that.

I don’t profess to be a marriage expert by any means but I have noticed some patterns in successful marriages. When these patterns are strong, the marriage is—but when these patterns are weak, the marriage seems to struggle.

Make love often. What sets marriage apart from all other relationships? It’s making love. Don’t believe me? Let me lay it out for you, then.

Before marriage you can spend as much time together as you want. You can worship together all you want. You can attend the temple together all you want. You can serve others, study the scriptures, pray together, eat together, work together, shop together, play together, make major purchases together…even live together under the same roof. (Ever travel and spend time together at the future-in-laws home before marriage?)

The only thing the Lord asks us to reserve for after marriage is our sexual relationship. That is the foundation that sets marriage apart from all other relationships, whether that marriage produces children or not.

And if that is the foundation the Lord has given marriage, then it is up to us to make sure that it becomes a strong and secure foundation. We do that by making love often...not just when we want to but just as importantly when our partner wants to and needs to, too.

Swallow criticism. Years ago a female relative told me “I think you are wasting your life by staying home to raise your child. You should be going to school and pursuing a career.” I was too stunned to respond but later, that night, I wept over her words. I wanted to lash out at her, chew her out, be as sharp and vicious with her as she had been to me. I couldn't undersand how could she be so mean and critical!

Even after 23 years I have never forgotten her words--but they no longer upset me because I also have never forgotten my husband’s response. He said, “Terri, It is hard for some people to understand why a person as smart as you would choose to stay home and not pursue a career. It was her way of telling you she sees your intelligence and potential and thinks you should be using it.”

His words soothed me but, more importantly, they made me think. If this relative had approached me and said it the way my husband had, she would have made her point without hurting my feelings. In fact, she would have made me grateful she shared her observation with me.

I learned from that experience there is always a way to express a feeling, hope, concern, thought, even a disappointment, without hurting the other person. Swallow criticism and find a kinder way to express yourself.

Laugh often. One day my husband and I were having a difference of opinions yet we were still laughing together. My son, home from his mission, was sitting between us at the kitchen table. As we resolved our differences and joined together in a final burst of laughter I told our son, “I really hope you can marry a woman you can laugh with even when you are in the middle of disagreeing.”

Laughter will bring brightness to heavy situations. Laugh when the work is hard and tiring and when emotions are tense. Laugh when you want to grumble. Laugh when you want to quit. Laugh when you want to blow up. Laugh together in the car, in the kitchen, and especially in the bedroom.

But never, ever laugh at the other person. I tell my children all the time, ‘it’s only funny if everyone is laughing.’ If even one person is not laughing, then the comment or joke was inappropriate no matter how funny you may think it is. Learn to find humor that everyone can enjoy.

Focus on the Lord. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to focus on the Lord, make sure you do.

When you feel hurt or angry, misunderstood or underappreciated, focus on the Lord. When you don’t like your spouse very much and you are wondering if you should call it quits, stop focusing on their failures. Focus on the Lord instead. Keep the promises you made to Him to honor your marriage. Focus on what He would want you to do, and say. Focus on becoming the best husband or wife you can possible be and trust that the Lord knows what your spouse needs more than you do. Stay focused on Him and follow His promptings.

When you stay focused on the Lord, you will improve as a person and as a spouse…and that will, with time, improve your marriage. As you focus on the Lord you will find you will criticize less, laugh more and make love more often.

Isaiah's Parenting Passage

Years ago my brother asked me to share with him one of my favorite scriptures. I don’t remember which one I referenced at that time but I do remember the scripture he shared with me. Isaiah 61:1-3

Now, not many people even read Isaiah, let alone find a favorite scripture among his writings, so I was intrigued. I asked him to explain why. Because of his explanation this passage of scripture is now one of my favorites as well.

This passage is a Messianic passage, meaning it is referencing the Savior and his role. My brother said we are told to become like the Savior and, if we are truly trying to be like Him, we will follow the example He set and do as He does. "That means this passage about the Savior applies to me as a husband and a father," he said. "This is what I need to become."

And, as he read the passage and applied it to his role in life, I realized it also applied to me...and to everyone no matter what roles we carry.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek;” Good tidings—good news. We are to preach the good news of the gospel to our families and friends. Leave the doom and gloom to the world and teach and reteach the blessings the Lord has instore for us.

“...he hath sent me to bind up the broken hearted,” This, my brother said, is one of his most important roles as a father. When his children have their hearts broken by life, he is to use his priesthood and his understanding of the gospel to help heal their hearts.

“...to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;” This phrase caused my brother to get a little emotional. As a parent and a man he was seeing how choices can imprison those we love. Yet, he said, when his children sin--and they will--he is not to throw them into a verbal or emotional prison with his response, criticism or belittling. If he is to be more like Christ, then he is to give them the key to repentance, help them see they can repent and change, and teach them in a loving and personal way the blessings that will come into their lives for staying close to the Savior. He is to help them open the prison doors and escape the captivity of their choices.

“To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God;” In this phrase the Lord is announcing a full year of acceptance and blessings and only one day of any kind of punishment. As a parent, my brother said he must always remember that 1:365 ratio. He smiled and said, “That tells me I only have one day every year I’m allowed to be upset. I have to keep my grumbling, harshness and complaining to under 24 hours. It puts it in prospective for me. Is getting upset about it really that important in the big picture of time? Probably not.”

“...to comfort all that mourn;” This, he said, is self explanatory. It is his calling to comfort his wife and children whenver they are mourning...not analyze whether they could have done something better. He is called to comfort them—not pick them apart. There are other times for teaching, but at the moment of their mourning he is to follows the Savior's example and give them comfort and hope. Period.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes,” This, he said, was one of his favorite phrases in the passage. When the fires of life burn the self-confidence of a family member or friend, or when doubts plague them into feeling they are of little value, a Christ-like person will point out their strengths and inner qualities. He will help them see beauty where others may see only ashes. In the midst of their trials, he will help them notice the ways they are growing and thriving and succeeding every day. He will give them beauty for ashes.

“...the oil of joy for mourning,” My brother said he is to use prayer and his priesthood often to bless his family and bring joy into their lives. The oil of joy should also be what he carries whenever he is around them. Families are a tremendous joy and blessing.

“...the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;” When life weighs them down, he is to make sure his words dress them in praise and hope.

“...that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.” My brother knows that if he fulfills his role as a Christ-like husband and father, his family will become trees of righteousness—strong, with deep roots and well-spread branches and the Lord will be glorified for that planting.

That passage of scripture is a good touchstone for all of us. Since that day, years ago, I have never forgotten the gift my brother gave me by sharing one of his favorite scriptures with me.